I’ve been a little quiet but busy committing to my vibrational and spiritual practice each day, which was perfectly packaged, set in stone, then kicked into motion this time around by the high-achieving Capricorn New Moon. And boy, do those goat vibes get shit done! Although Capricorn rules hard work, practicality, ambition, determination to succeed, tradition — this sign is also ruled by Saturn, planet of structure, rules and lessons. And unbeknownst to me, is where profound breakthroughs would soon occur.
The deep inner work on my self was going great with daily prayers + affirmations, reading all the books for expansion; doing fine on my merry path. Until recently, I noticed feelings of agitation and annoyance arise from what appeared to be out of the blue, so during the New Moon cycle I asked my higher self/higher powers every single day for help in releasing low-vibrational feelings, as well as any entrapments or illusions of the physical world… and frankly, that’s exactly what I got. A huge realization — an EPIPHANY — that the toiling of my own shadow was still at work + projecting nasty ideas onto others (showing up in my life as The Devil and 8 of Swords in numerous readings, which is so obvious to me now – but in the moment, the blinders (the ego) kept me from seeing the reality of things). My shadow unconsciously festered.
What you resist, persists.
On and off feelings of annoyance and loathing plagued me. But why? What triggered this? Although I’m proud of the many ways I have elevated myself + developed spiritually through the years, I just couldn’t understand what exactly was still taunting this lingering, nagging sore. What kept this wound from closing? The blatant answer was and is: the TRUTH.
The day I sought to understand those uncomfortable emotions, I intended to get to the bottom of things once and for all. Through meditation, I sifted through various concepts looking for the right fit, eliminating what I knew not to be the problem. I unravelled the entangled, tightly bound strings of illusion thread by thread until the realization came to me like a… poof! (direct citation from my own journaling):
The ego is so very sly in fooling you to believe that others are the problem, when in fact, it is YOU with the issue + repressed feelings. Others are simply a mirror for what you do not wish to see in yourself.
And there it was — crystal clear. What annoyed me the most in others brought up what I turned a blind eye to in myself, specifically, obsolete + unconscious ways of thinking and behaving in the world. In a nutshell, external factors triggered my ego, which recognized these same old patterns within myself yet could not fully admit I was once there too, and could not take responsibility for it. As a defence mechanism, the ego proceeded to point blame on others to distract from my old character flaws.
Projection is such a tricky tactic, but the wisdom of the soul always calls bullshit on the ego’s childish games. When emotions pester, the soul knows it’s because you have deeper work to do to understand + heal yourself.
Interesting sidenote: upon reviewing my notes of a Shadow Work spread I whipped up during this time of investigation, it is no surprise the 8 of Swords came up, and more importantly, The Lovers: indicating a mimicking + mirroring of my old self… man, I love the Tarot.
We can only recognize in others what we ourselves have experienced.
I cannot even begin to fully describe how powerful or significant this breakthrough has been in my life, 3 weeks into January. The synchronicities (many unmentioned) were so wild, but I mean, I’m astonished by the power of intention + prayer. It works fast when deeply committed! Although the process itself didn’t make much sense at first, when the blinders came off + the will for truth emerged, the pieces came together: uncomfortable emotions surfaced to be cleared + to teach how my psyche operates.
In exposing the truth + origin of those specific emotions, I uncovered an ugly shadow within myself, but gained incredible freedom in the process (Freedom being a card which also surfaced in last week’s #midweekmessage on IG) ultimately lifting the weight of the world off my shoulders… such relief! Instantaneously, everyone once perceived as “guilty” was released from the clutches of my insidious shadow projections + seen in new light, as loving humans on their own path of development. My feelings had nothing to do with them all along, but everything to do with how I felt about myself in this situation. Through this process, I also released my own shame of having lived unconsciously – because guess what? We’re all human, and we all gotta start from somewhere. And that is okay. I nor anyone else is perfect and should not pretend to be (although the ego would fight to disagree).
This experience made me realize how poisonous subconscious dialogue + mind games with yourself can be, which has consequently put me on high alert, heightening my awareness + training my mind to think consciously, with stringent discernment so there’s no falling back into ego’s smoke and mirrors of blame, resentment etc. Moving forward, I’m putting a bullshit filter in place to catch any potential projections from seeping through!
Determining you are your own problem is actually empowering because the solution is not found outside of you, therefore, you have the upper hand in managing the situation internally. That’s what personal development + evolution is all about – realizing you are the answer to your problems! With my blinders off, ego called out + held accountable, I become responsible for transforming my perceptions + actions moving forward. Continuing to shed the shadow in all ways possible.
I’m so grateful for the profound lessons taught through this experience. My takeaways:
i] What I dislike in others mirrors a suppressed part of myself left unhealed.
ii] I cannot judge anyone’s path. The only progress I should monitor is my own.
iii] None of us are perfect. As long as we incarnate as humans, we will have to conquer the ego, the psyche’s games of projection. Ask yourself: which people or situations trigger you the most? What specific behaviours rattle you? Be brave, be honest + look within… do not be surprised if you find similar behavioural patterns lurking within yourself. Once acknowledgment happens on a soul level, healing + release will occur.
iv] Lessons/triggers/wounds will re-occur until we actually learn from them. This may seem relentless + cruel, but it’s for our own good. If you find yourself continually caught up in the same situations/thought patterns, try to recognize what the universe might be trying to teach. Hint: you’ll need to upgrade your thought process.
v] Take responsibility for your thoughts + emotions before they turn into actions. Next time you catch yourself complaining about someone else, check in to see if this actually mirrors something about you. Don’t gloss over shit. Do the real, honest, hard work to make amends with yourself. Stop projecting falsehoods — be conscious + responsible with perception – it shapes your reality!
vi] Never underestimate the power of prayer, intention + raising your vibration. When you are committed + show up for transformation, the universe will meet you half way to provide everything needed for your spiritual development. Be prepared for major synchronicities, ‘aha moments’ + the astounding collapse of old patterns which enable you to move onward + upward!
If this resonates, I hope my experience has provided you with clarity + empowerment on your own shadow work journey.